We cruise into the hills of san modesto
My Winnebago and I
away from the cell phones
the madness signals from work
the screeching voice in my ear telling me to do something
without a care
for the bald tires
this old horse is my ren faire stallion
clanking up hills nonstop pinging dulcimer music
it's a survivor
like me
My Winnebago and I
away from the cell phones
the madness signals from work
the screeching voice in my ear telling me to do something
without a care
for the bald tires
this old horse is my ren faire stallion
clanking up hills nonstop pinging dulcimer music
it's a survivor
like me
posted by:
|
Portland
|
-
Re: My Winnebago and I
Sun, March 23, 2008 - 1:15 PMWinnebago Fly
Into the San Modesto hills
Fly Winnebago
-
Re: My Winnebago and I
Sun, March 23, 2008 - 2:08 PMI like this poem!
To bad I can't give you thumbs down! -
-
Re: My Winnebago and I
Sun, March 23, 2008 - 6:48 PM
-
Re: My Winnebago and I
Sun, March 23, 2008 - 6:52 PMI'm trying for bad, yet unremarkable. Slipping it into that subtle critical realm of the 'not terrible enough to be endearing but distinguishably worse than mediocre' poem. -
-
Re: My Winnebago and I
Sun, March 23, 2008 - 7:00 PMTry a little more pretension. Ex "Fly Winnebago" as in it somehow being a chick magnet. -
-
Re: My Winnebago and I
Sun, March 23, 2008 - 7:08 PMBathos tends to have as much to do with content order as it does with content.
it's not what you present, in total, that matters.
It's just how you use the most promising aspect to prepare the least rewarding aspect. -
-
Re: My Winnebago and I
Sat, March 29, 2008 - 2:42 PM>this old horse is my ren faire stallion
Yeah, I'm suggesting change that line to two lines:
this old horse is my fly winnebago
my ren faire stallion -
-
Re: My Winnebago and I
Sat, March 29, 2008 - 2:44 PMOf course, it's better the way it is now...but what we want here is sudsy bathos! -
-
Re: My Winnebago and I
Sat, March 29, 2008 - 11:28 PMmaybe something like
'my stallion; lo- my ren faire stallion bold!'
-
-
-
-
-
-
